MH2006.Punchline

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Final Clue: PHOTONS GO THIS FAST

Calling in "Speed of Light" and "C".

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The top lists are equations for jokes of the form "What's the difference between X and Y? Z!" or "What do you get when you cross A with B? C!" Which would be represented as "X+Y" or "AxB" but could be expressed as "C/A" (to get B) or "Z-Y" (to get X).

The item in brackets is the butt of a lightbulb jokes, whose punchline is at the bottom.

How do the word from the arithmatic go with the lightbulb joke?

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• PEA SOUP (Roast beef – Anyone can roast beef)

  • Harvard students

• ORCHESTRA (Bull – One has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back)

  • MIT professors

• VIOLA (Violin – A violin doesn't burn as long)

  • Violinists

• TITANIC (Halfway / the Atlantic Ocean)

  • Therapists

• ONION (Bagpipe – No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe)

  • Grad students

• IN-LAWS (Outlaws are wanted + outlaws)

  • Schizophrenics

• OCTOPUS (Enough drumsticks for eight at thanksgiving / turkey)

  • Anticlimaxes

• KANGAROO (Potholes all over Australia / elephant)

  • Circus performers

• CROW ("It's a matter of a pinion" + raven)

  • Investment brokers

• DONUT (Nothing, to a topologist + coffee cup)

  • Blondes

• ELEPHANT (Hell if I know / Rhinoceros)

  • Fishermen

• CIVIL ENGINEER (Mechanical engineer – One builds weapons, the other builds targets)

  • John Kerry

• SOVIET RUSSIA (California – In one, you can always find the party, in the other, The Party can always find you)

  • Californians

• WIFE (45 lbs + girlfriend)

  • Surrealists

• APATHY (Ignorance – I don't know and I don't care)

  • Christians

• MERCEDES (Princess Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Ford + Ford)

  • Frat boys

• CHRISTMAS (Nothing, to a programmer + Halloween)

  • Oregonians

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• PEA SOUP Harvard students
• ORCHESTRA MIT professors
• VIOLA Violinists
• TITANIC Therapists
• ONION Grad students
• IN-LAWS Schizophrenics
• OCTOPUS Anticlimaxes
• KANGAROO Circus performers
• CROW Investment brokers
• DONUT Blondes
• ELEPHANT Fishermen
• CIVIL ENGINEER John Kerry
• SOVIET RUSSIA Californians
• WIFE Surrealists
• APATHY Christians
• MERCEDES Frat boys
• CHRISTMAS Oregonians

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• PEA SOUP Harvard students

  • One — he holds it and the world revolves around him

• ORCHESTRA MIT professors

  • Four — one to do it and three to co-author the paper

• VIOLA Violinists

  • Three — one to do it and two to stand around and talk about how much better they could have done it

• TITANIC Therapists

  • One, but it's got to want to change

• ONION Grad students

  • Only one but it takes him nine years

• IN-LAWS Schizophrenics

  • Both of us

• OCTOPUS Anticlimaxes

  • I don't know ... about five?

• KANGAROO Circus performers

  • Four — One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go

• CROW Investment brokers

  • Three — one to take it out and drop it, and two to try to sell it before it crashes

• DONUT Blondes

  • Five — one to hold it and four to turn the ladder

• ELEPHANT Fishermen

  • Five. And you shoulda seen it — it was this big

• CIVIL ENGINEER John Kerry

  • Four. No, two. No, nine.

• RUSSIA? Californians

  • Nine — One to do it and eight to share the experience

• WIFE Surrealists

  • Three — one to hold the giraffe and two to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles

• APATHY Christians

  • Three, but they're really one

• MERCEDES Frat boys

  • Eight — one to hold it and seven to drink 'till the room spins

• CHRISTMAS Oregonians

  • Six — one to do it and five to fend off the Californians trying to share the experience

Put them in order by this list?

• All of them
• Both of us
• Eight — one to hold it and seven to drink 'till the room spins
• Fifty. Yeah, fifty. It's in the contract
• Five — one to hold it and four to turn the ladder
• Five, because There Are Five Lights!
• Five. And you shoulda seen it — it was this big
• Four — One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go
• Four — one to do it and three to co-author the paper
• Four. No, two. No, nine.
• I don't know ... about five?
• Nine — One to do it and eight to share the experience
• None — attempting to change is futile. Resistance is voltage over current
• None — it contains the seeds of its own revolution
• None — it shouldn't have to change for society to accept it
• None — it's a hardware problem
• None — it's ok, I'll just sit here in the dark ...
• One and a half
• One — he holds it and the world revolves around him
• One, but it's got to want to change
• One, but only if he's Larry Summers
• Only one but it takes him nine years
• Six — one to do it and five to fend off the Californians trying to share the experience
• Three — one to call F-IXIT and two more to make sure he's not hacking alone
• Three — one to do it and two to stand around and talk about how much better they could have done it
• Three — one to hold the giraffe and two to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles
• Three — one to take it out and drop it, and two to try to sell it before it crashes
• Three, but they're really one
• Two — you got a problem with that?

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• P = PEA SOUP (1)
• H = ORCHESTRA MIT (4)
• O = VIOLA Violinists (3)
• T = TITANIC (1)
• O = ONION (1)
• N = (or IL?) = IN-LAWS (Both of us)
• P (maybe it's really S?) = OCTOPUS Anticlimaxes (about 5)
• G = KANGAROO Circus performers (4)
• O = CROW (3)
• T = DONUT (5)
• H = ELEPHANT (5)
• I = CIVIL ENGINEER (4, no 2, no 9)
• S = SOVIET RUSSIA (9)
• F = WIFE (3)
• A = APATHY (3)
• S = MERCEDES (8)
• T = CHRISTMAS (6)